Ironman 3

There will be some spoilers.

Seriously. Get out now. While you still can.

The line for this movie was the longest I have ever seen at my local multiplex. I mean, it was outrageous. And the movie was still a half hour away when the line started bending on itself. Usually, there isn’t a line at this cinema because most of the seats are good with lots of leg room. But people were determined to get the BEST seats.

I can totally see why this movie made a ton of money. My country has an unrivaled love of humour, to begin with, and Ironman 3 had more humour than both of the previous movies combined. The climax was the kind of slam-bang, thank you mam stuff that usually gets audiences cheering loudly. Robert Downey continues to be a delight as Tony Stark, and the villian was great.

Oddly, there were many laughs, but no cheers on Saturday. Not even with tons of kids present and such a booming climax. And I think the problem is, like the customary clip after the credits, this movie was a little flat. The problems I had with it (getting specific here, so you’d better leave if you don’t want to spoil it for yourself) were:

THINGS I DIDN’T LIKE:

–  I like Ironman. In his suit especially. This movie was all about ditching the suit. It’s nice to see Tony as the intelligent, resourceful guy we met in that cave in Afghanistan again. But not at the expense of IRONMAN. Who the hell said Tony needed to stop being Ironman? ‘Cause they’re trying to tell me that was Pepper, and if it was, I’m revoking her licence as Best Match for Tony Stark.

– Speaking of Pepper. I missed the usual rapport between her and Tony. Instead I got more Happy, a cute but random kid, and robots. But not much in the way of Pepper and Tony. Except when they were mad at each other. Or separated. But in any case, my scintillating conversation was gone for the most part. That really, really annoyed me. There are not enough mature, chemistry filled relationships in cinema as it is. Reducing this one down to, ‘I’m going to be the man she wants me to be’ was a cheap shot. What the hell was so wrong with being Tony Stark/Ironman? He just needs to never give out his address is all.

– The science. It’s not usually a bother for me. I’m the least hard science scifi writer you will ever meet. But things have to make better sense than a process that supposedly repairs the human body by jump starting areas of our brain being demonstrated using…A PLANT. Also–fire breathing villians? Really? Okay, I’m a Stephen King fan. I love Firestarter too. But…really?

– The suits. The glorious, awe-inspiring suits that make up the best part of the finale. The suits that appeared like the most meancing, ass-kicking calvary of all time. You. Destroyed. Them. As fireworks. I didn’t miss the symbolism. I just HATE IT. The idea that Tony would just let his suits go, just destroy them all…

Bitch, I’m here for Tony AND those suits. What the hell do you mean smashing them both to bits? Supposedly for Pepper!

– And speaking of Pepper. I probably would have let her keep her powers and just used Tony’s brilliant mind to make her changes permanent and stable. That way he would not have to worry about protecting her all the time and I could still have IRONMAN IN A SUIT! Because as much as I love Pepper, I want Tony! Not some lame, lovey-dovey, smoochy ending where he pretends to be someone he’s not.

Till the next contract re-signing of course.

‘Cause who really buys that this is over, right? Trilogy my ass.

(Although, I will admit, I felt like cheering when he went and got Dunce back.)

– Don Cheadle. He is just not Terrence Howard. I mean, am I the only one who thinks he’s too straight for this role? I bought into Terrence’s portrayal because you saw this gleam in his eye that Tony has too. It’s a rouge, devil-may-care, kind of do-anything-when-I-think-I’m-right gleam. And you sense that he disciplined it when he joined the military. That’s what is so frustrating for Terrence’s War Machine. Tony is an active reminder of what he could be without discipline. And Tony keeps egging him on. But he’s the perfect sidekick BECAUSE he can match Tony’s crazy (by getting into that damn suit, for one) and keep him grounded too. Don’s version is just–nice. He’s a good soldier. He has no personality. No zing. And no real chemistry with Robert. He’s a great actor, but I wouldn’t want him for a sidekick.

– Overall, the writing just wasn’t on par with the first one (what is?) or even the second one. For me anyway. People who hated the second one seemed to like this one better, and I suspect it’s because it tracks closely with the comics. But I don’t remember much of the comics and I loved the excess, in your face quality of Tony off-the-rails the second one had, so I’m not a fan. I wanted–more. More wit, more fire, more narrative exploration and character development, and less action scenes I could barely follow. And the 3D just…wasn’t. James Cameron continues to be correct. If you don’t shoot it in 3D, you end up cheating the audience. Not one notable special effect was in 3D. Not. One. And the climax?

Zip. Nothing. Nada.

HOWEVER!!!

Do not get me wrong. The movie is worth the popcorn. Just not the 3D popcorn.

THINGS I LIKED:

– The villian and the plot intrigue thereoff.

– The kid. Yes, there are far too many cute kids in cinema these days. But he was good. And Robert was sweet around him. Not his fault he’s basically a ridiculous plot device.

– Happy. He was funny. Too bad Jon allowed himself to be left on a bed for most of the movie instead of getting off his ass to DIRECT IT AS HE SHOULD HAVE.

– The suits. All of them. I want them all. Just wrap them up and send it over as a belated birthday present.

– The vulnerability you see when you realise that almost dying in a wormhole trying to save Earth is not something someone just gets over. Not if they’re human. In a way, I totally buy that Tony shucked Ironman because he needed a break. Anxiety is not pretty. But as filmed it felt like an excuse, not a need. And they kept confusing it with the whole Pepper wants a normal guy, and I want Pepper thing.

– The idea that Tony has made more enemies as a cavalier ladies’ man than Ironman will ever make.

– The continuity with what happened in Avengers.

– Jarvis.

– Dunce.

– Any scene with Tony and Pepper.

– Guy Pearce before the hookey climax.

– The super soldiers. Way more convincing when they don’t breathe fire.

In conclusion. I need more Tony/Ironman. This was a lame way to say goodbye to your fans (supposedly). But some Tony is better than none at all. So…go see it.

And if I’m crazy, I’ll take that. At least you formed your own opinion.

Me, I’m hoping I get more than this next time around. In the meatime, I’ll watch the first one over again. And again.

And wonder why Robert isn’t encouraged to take his shirt off more. I mean, Taylor Lautner does it all the time and he’s, like, 12. Get with it already. Spartacus is done after all. Women everywhere need their fix.